doubt – Serenity Through Sweat

Thanks for joining me for another edition of the SerenityThroughSweat blog. I’ve signed up to compete in the Pan American Championships in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu at the end of the month. That has brought with it excitement, anxiety, and doubt.

I’m no stranger to competing. And certainly no stranger to grappling or even jiu jitsu competition. I’ve completed in three smaller local BJJ tournaments, and I’ve lost count how many wrestling tournaments over a 13 year wrestling career.

I’ve also been active in triathlon and ultimate frisbee in those years I wasn’t grappling. Each had their own varying level of competition.

This one feels a little bit different. It will be my first grappling competition since before COVID. It will be my first competition at brown belt. I haven’t competed since I was a blue belt, missing out on competing at the purple belt level.

Anxiety and excitement are to be expected. I got the same butterflies and pit feeling in my stomach before every wrestling match and every big triathlon. But doubt wasn’t something I really thought about.

Maybe it is having kids (even though I’ve raced and competed in smaller BJJ tournaments as a father). Maybe it is getting older and being in the Masters 2 division. Maybe it is my lack of recent competition experience. Maybe it is the thought of injury now as a provider.

Whatever it is, doubt has been creeping in. Will I make the weight? Will I stay healthy and injury free? Will I perform in a way I can be proud of?

That doubt isn’t necessarily bad though. I’m reminded of a conversation I had about doubt, with two close friends at a bachelor party.

We were in a hotel room in Tampa. Sharing a drink, making small talk and getting ready for a hockey game. The celebrated bachelor wanted to read us the vows he had written and have the two of us help workshop them. I know, not your typical rowdy bachelor party story.

He is a scientist, a medical researcher, and one of the smartest people I have ever talked to. He is very methodical in his thinking and communication. All of those qualities came out front and center in his custom written vows.

“As I scientist I am taught to doubt” his message to his soon to be wife, on their most important day, began. “But I don’t doubt my love for you, or the relationship we’ve built”.

His vows went on with a series of “I don’t doubt” statements. Doubt seemed to me, at first, like an inappropriate word for wedding vows, but it fit perfectly with who he was. Doubt was part of his daily life as a scientist and researcher, but his marriage was a place doubt never crept in.

I modeled my own custom wedding vows, a few years later, in a very similar format. A series of “I can’t promise X, but I can promise Y” statements.

To me, this felt like the same removal of uncertainty, and exchange of promises, without the perceived negativity that doubt brings to the table.

Because that’s all doubt really is right? Uncertainty. As a scientist and a researcher, my friend is very deliberately, an active participant in his uncertainty. Trying not to bias his observation of data with his own opinions or desires.

The future is always uncertain. The degree of that uncertainty may vary, but it is never fully predictable. I think it is an old Yogi Berra quote “predictions are hard, especially about the future”

The doubt that has crept in since I’ve signed up for this competition has been an ever present feeling in the pit of my stomach. It has been my somewhat less than welcome companion. (And due to a small weight cut, sometimes the only thing in my stomach)

I’m trying to channel the courage of my friend and embrace that doubt. Uncertainty, just means I get to have a hand in writing out how the future will be told.

Thanks for joining me, stay safe and stay sweaty my friends.

Happy new year! Thanks for joining me for another edition of the SerenityThroughSweat blog. As we leave 2020 behind us and move together into 2021, I want to offer the advice of a sage Russian proverb, Doveryai, no proveryai.

I recognized this quote from the Reagan administration, without realizing is origin as a Russian proverb. Suzanne Massey introduced the phrase to Reagan as saying that the Russian’s liked talking in proverbs and he should know some. It has been used in political context several more prominent times since Reagan.

When your toddler is in his room “putting concrete on the road” trust but verify he isn’t spreading lotion all over the floor

Trust, but Verify, is a critical concept and part of the daily routine for both aviators and parents. All the checklist discipline and training in the world is still no substitute for verifying switch positions and systems functionality prior to a critical phase of flight.

Despite how charming El Duderino’s smile is, and how nice he interacts with Speedy, I still need to make sure he isn’t taking up the familial grappling mantle using his 9 month old brother as a drill partner every time I walk out of the room. (Training starts promptly on Speedy’s 4th birthday matching family singlets mandatory)

Despite the prevalence of Trust, but Verify, in so much of what I do day to day, what brought it to mind for me today was science, and more specifically scientists.

I’m working my way through Breath by James Nestor. A little more than half way through, I’m captivated by Nestor’s ability to weave complex scientific research and sometimes ancient beliefs and practices into his own narrative of breathing better.

Last run of 2020 working on buteyko breathing

Throughout the book (thus far) there are a myriad of examples of scientists, doctors, instructors, or other uncertified but results verified “pulmonauts”, whose work has been derided, ridiculed, banned, or otherwise lost to history.

These men and women used various methods to improve breathing in their patients and have both legitimate scientific, as well as anecdotal results to back up their methodologies. Every chapter seems to feature a new brave soul who discovered either the cause, or the cure, to a breathing ailment only to be chased out by scientific peers and forgotten.

Slogging through the wind and the nasal breathing for the first run of the new year with my favorite running buddy napping.

In a very complicated and somewhat oxymoronic twist of fate, good science requires both trust and doubt simultaneously. We as the public must trust scientists to follow the strict procedures and processes that are demanded of true experimentation. Scientists are taught to doubt their own preconceived notions and trust the data. Scientists are also taught to doubt the data and trends that may emerge unless they are repeatable.

Trust and doubt can together be a uniting or a dividing force. They can be used to create the robust science we need for modern problems or they can be weaponized to divide what is already a polarized nation.

Trying to find a rhythm breathing easier through the nose on runs, still a lot of work to do

As we move into a new year there will be plenty of opportunities to be divded by doubt. I think we can all find a little serenity, if we trust, but verify.

Thanks for joining me, stay safe and stay sweaty my friends.