Fatherhood – Page 3 – Serenity Through Sweat

Embrace and Harness

Thanks for joining me for another edition of the SerenityThroughSweat blog. For the moment fitness has taken a backseat to fatherhood (in the context of blog topics, it has always been in that order in life in general). With the arrival of Speedy, and managing him and his big brother El Duderino, life has gotten a bit hectic. Throw in the added complications of COVID-19 and it is easy to be overwhelmed.

I’m reminded of a particularly tough loss in a wrestling tournament I had my senior year in high school. Crying in a mostly deserted high school hallway, not knowing what I did wrong or could have done better in a close semifinal match, my coach found me and gave me a quick pep talk that has stuck with me.

The bullet points were, “be pissed, be sad, be disappointed. Feel all of it. But after ten minutes, it’s time to get back to work and most of those are not productive emotions.”

I think it’s easy to find ourselves in many of those emotional states (anger, sadness, depression) with everything that has changed in recent weeks. Kids at home 24/7, uncertainty about jobs or finances, heck just plain old cabin fever is enough to test your mental and emotional fortitude.

And just like my coach told me all those years ago, I think it is important to embrace those feelings. Ignoring them or bottling them up isn’t healthy. Dig in to them, let them wash over you, but only for a short period of time. Whether it is once an hour, once a day, or once a week, check in on those feelings and realize that this isn’t normal and it’s ok to feel them.

But then it’s back to work…

This isn’t an easy process. Most rewarding things aren’t. This is a lesson I’ve brought with me for the last fifteen years and I’m still struggling with it.

With a toddler at home adjusting to a new family dynamic, a newborn on a two hour sleep cycle, and a wife who isn’t supposed to lift anything after just giving birth, (I still got the easier end of that deal, BY FAR,) my daily to do list is getting more difficult than finding toilet paper at the store. And with those chores piling up, and the sleep debt accumulating, comes the frustration, the self pity, and the jealousy.

Performing for the family is always the number one goal, especially when the shit hits the fan (read: job uncertainty, global pandemic, and newborn). It seems like I’m mostly running on caffeine, but harnessing those emotions helps get me over the hump. (At least until speedy starts sleeping more than a couple hours).

So in between the cooking, the cleaning, and the laundry. After the potty training, the arts and crafts, and the outside play time. And when bath time and bedtime have come and gone, I can harness those unproductive emotions, remember that it is natural and normal to feel them, and keep soldiering on towards Serenity.

Thanks for joining me and stay sweaty my friends.

This week’s SerenityThroughSweat has been tapered back a bit with it being speedy’s first week alive and all. But I have been able to sneak in two Simple and Sinister kettlebell workouts, some push-ups and air squats, and a few rehab mobilizations from The Ready State.

This post was started this morning while El Duderino was playing in the sand, Speedy was in the basinet, and my wife was taking a much needed nap. It was finished while I took the first watch with Speedy and my wife gets as much sleep as she can before he wakes up hungry.

Dr. Dad

Sunday night started out normal enough. El Duderino went down for bedtime without any trouble. Heather was down as well and I was scheduled to have a video happy hour with some other pilot buddies who haven’t been flying.

Having some social interaction for the first time in over two weeks, even over video chat, was much needed and appreciated. The couple of extra beers as the conversation stretched on didn’t hurt the situation either. I was felt like a small piece of me that I hadn’t realized was missing, had been returned to it’s rightful place. As I hung up the phone a sense of fulfilled calm came over me, accompanied by that sneaky little smile you realize is on your face only after it’s been there long enough for others to wonder what it is you’ve figured out.

That feeling was quickly replaced by reality. Getting off the phone at close to midnight, having sated my craft beer craving more than I had in the past six weeks, to my wife telling me that her water broke. Timing has never really been my strong suit.

In general, I’m a person who does better when active. My wife going into labor is no exception. Preparing supplies, meal prepping, getting our guest room ready for grandparents, anything to keep myself busy. This is how my next few hours were spent early Monday morning despite the primary need to sleep and sober up.

After a few hours of sleep, and without my wife’s contractions having started yet, there was a much more organized calm to the morning. El Duderino left with his grandma to have an adventure with her and give my wife and I time and space for our own adventure. We went for a walk, watched some Netflix, and enjoyed a relaxed pace day at home with just the two of us.

The midwives came by around noon and reported that the water had not truly broken, and that without contractions starting there was no hurry to meet baby just yet.

Contractions started in earnest around two in the afternoon. My wife is the type of strong independent person who doesn’t like to ask for help, and prefers to do things herself. Anticipating the needs of a woman has been a task that has baffled men for millennia, pregnancy does not simplify this task in any way. I tried to make myself available at a moment’s notice and otherwise follow signs to be helpful when and where I could. (Along with timing, reading signs is also not a strong suit of mine). This meant being in the next room reading, but within fifteen feet and within earshot, and checking in every five to ten minutes between chapters.

My wife let me know that she thought she had about five hours of labor left based on her leave why El Duderino from to years ago and how she felt. In hindsight this was a silly prediction, but in my head it have me a timeframe to work with. Predicting labor is probably less reliable than picking ponies. At any time they can run like gangbusters or stop in their tracks and then start again.

I overheard my wife’s reaction to a particularly stronger contraction, and heard her call the midwives to have them start making their way to our home as labor was ramping up. This was about an hour and for five minutes into my fictional give hour clock. I made my way into the room expecting the contraction to be mostly finished by the time I actually got to her side. Instead I was greeted with “oh God, baby’s head is in my shorts, help me get them off”

As a pilot we train for lots of different emergencies and I feel very comfortable in most situations. We’ve spent a lot of time in this blog taking about calm in the Chaos. Knowing that my wife hemorrhaged during her first delivery, and that it was just me and her with medical professionals at least twenty minutes out, (albeit thankfully on speaker phone) I can tell you there was a very long two to three minutes of chaos without calm.

My Wonder woman wife pushed our son out, and our midwife team talked me through what I needed to do and what I needed to look for until they got there. It reminded me of an autopilot kicking off in flight unexpectedly. There is an initial shock factor, and something obviously isn’t going to plan, but ultimately the airplane wants to keep flying, and after a thorough systems check the autopilot can be reengaged.

There is so much uncertainty in this world, and the best laid plans often get thrown out the window. It is in times of stress that we find what we are truly made of. I’m so grateful and blessed to be surrounded by people made of the right stuff.

Thanks for joining me and stay sweaty my friends.

Providing as a Father

Thanks for joining me for another edition of the SerenityThroughSweat blog. The continually changing situation we find ourselves in with COVID-19 has got me thinking more about an eventual conversation I will undoubtedly have with my son.

I’ve day dreamt about this since my wife first told me she was pregnant. My child comes home from school and is tasked with asking his father what it means to be a man, and report back to the class. That’s a doozy of question and I don’t think it has a clear cut answer. Gender norms and 2020 politics and posturing aside, a large aspect of the answer for me always comes down to being a provider.

Being a provider can mean different things to different people, and it certainly meant something different to me just a few months ago. With uncertainty in my career and my ability to bring home a paycheck, what does being a provider mean?

I had already planned to be out of work for April, awaiting our second child, so this coming month at least isn’t a total shock. During this time, I’m trying to keep my focus on being a man, and being a provider within that capacity. While I may not be able to provide a paycheck (I do have some PTO to go with my FMLA) there are a lot of things I can provide regardless of the circumstances.

I can provide a loving and caring atmosphere. At two and change years old my son doesn’t really have any concept of what’s going on. He just knows daddy is spending a lot more time with him reading books, coloring, riding bikes, and chasing the garbage truck around the neighborhood. He doesn’t understand the weight of the world situation, and I can control the vibe he does feel and provide that positive environment.

I can provide a positive example. It is easy to start a self pity party with all the negative effects of this pandemic, but self pity is a wasted emotion. Lord knows I’ve spent more than my fair share of time at my own pity party, and every day is a struggle, but RSVP’ING NO is a choice I can make for my little guy. It does make it easier that he has no context for the situation and thus no empathy. If daddy is being sullen and sulky, he will pick up on that in a heartbeat. So soldiering on with a smile for the little guy is the only way forward.

I can provide household relief. Even when working a full schedule I do the lions share of cooking and a decent amount of cleaning, laundry, landscaping, and other household tasks. It means a lot to me that I can have some control over the food we put in our bodies and that I can provide healthy and nutritious meals for our family. With additional time home I can expand upon those tasks to help my family.

A few posts ago I talked about changing our world view to adapt to new demands. This is a change in world view for me, about being the best father and husband I can be, in a dynamic and uncertain world.

I’m grateful for a great many things in this life, and being able to maintain some semblance of calm in the chaos, and provide some positivity as a father and a husband in these turbulent times is one of them.

Thanks for joining me, and stay sweaty my friends.

This week’s SerenityThroughSweat in quarantine, bike rides with the family finding “stinky dirty” the orange digger. A solo ride with Layla. Throwing some arrows down range at 20yds. A quick sweaty run, and last but not least, working on my artistic skills to keep the little guy interested in things to color.

Paradigm Shift

There is a lot of craziness in the world right now. There is great cause for anxiety and fear, but also great cause for optimism. Following Maslow’s hierarchy, I think we are all due for a reset and a paradigm shift.

If you aren’t familiar with Maslow’s hierarchy, it goes like this. There are different levels of human needs which must be met in a ascending order prior to moving on to the next step. The idea is, as humans we are motivated by these needs until they are fulfilled. The hierarchy goes: physiological, safety, love, esteem, and self actualization.

Prior to the Covid-19 outbreak, most readers of this blog where probably oscillating between levels 3-5. Not worrying about their job, where their next meal was coming from and having at least some form of social support structure either family or friends. The last two levels are tricky to obtain and maintain, and while Serenity through Sweat as an idea is a big part of it for me, they are largely “first world struggles”.

This pandemic will change a lot of that. We are just starting to see large scale closures in the U.S. The larger economic, social, and emotional/psychological impacts have yet to manifest. But, it is likely many of us will be focusing on primarily on levels 1-3 in the hierarchy for the next few months.

Like I started the post with, this can be a cause for anxiety and fear but also an incredible opportunity. This will be an opportunity to find our own strength, creativity, and innovation. An opportunity to solve problems we weren’t aware we had, and sure up holes in a system we were complacent with.

It’s also a time to shift our focus and realign our world view. My paradigm for this blog has been (as my bio states) as a father, a husband, a pilot, and a lifelong athlete. For the immediate future I’m not doing a whole lot of flying. A global pandemic and an immuno compromised pregnant wife and soon to be newborn don’t mix. I find peace in physical exertion and movement, (SerenityThroughSweat, duh) but anything with a group is out for the near future as well. That leaves half of my self described bio in some form of disrepair.

I’m fortunate enough to be in a place where I can still focus on my higher needs (3-5) at least for the time being. I’m nervous and excited to lean in to what that paradigm shift will be. More time focusing on being a better father and a husband, and filling the holes left from the other two large aspects of my life.

I hope that we are all able to see the silver lining in this global event. I hope that we can all shift our paradigms, to realign on that which is most important. And I hope we can each find our own little slice of Serenity.

Thanks for joining me, and stay sweaty my friends.

Today’s SerenityThroughSweat, chasing “stinky dirty” around the neighborhood in the jogging stroller for some morning miles.

Internal Dialogue

Thanks for joining me for another edition of the Serenity Through Sweat blog. Today I want to talk about our internal dialogue, or the types of messages we tell ourselves repeatedly.

I remember as a really young kid the toy that almost everyone had, or had used, was the Fisher Price See n Say. You pull the handle, the farmer spins around eventually landing on an animal, and says “the cow says… moo” or whatever animal it lands on.

This is a great toy for children’s early development. They can associate sights and sounds that go together, and there is some randomness as well as repetition.

Eventually children can remember the sounds that various animals make and reproduce them on command. After a few months my 2 year old son was able to list off the sounds of most common barnyard animals and that is pretty age appropriate and common.

As someone who works on the road, my family and I spend a lot of time on the phone. While this isn’t ideal it is far easier to have a relationship with your family while being away through things like cell phones and FaceTime than it was even a decade ago. Young children tend to model the behavior they see, and even before cell phones were around children have been pretending to answer the phone.

My son pretending the remote is a phone and answering it

To my son anything with buttons is a phone and can be held against his ear and he can have a conversation. I asked who he was talking to and he replied “Daddy”. It was now my picture up on the proverbial See N Say and I was curious what he would come up with when I asked, “what is daddy saying”. His response was “I love you”.

Now besides melting my heart a little bit and being absolutely adorable, this isn’t really a surprise. One of the most important things we can tell those close to us and especially our children is “I love you”. There are no guarantees in life and we only get one time around so I try to use the phrase early and often.

Now in his slightly more than two years on this planet, and slightly more than one of them being verbal, he has figured out that mommy and daddy’s message is “I love you”. That’s what he hears the most (despite the many repetions of “we get down feet first” and “we put our pee-pee on the potty”.

If you had to spin the See n Say and it landed on your picture, what would it say. What is the message that you tell yourself the most, your internal dialogue. For most of us, especially as we get older, I think it is easier and easier for that message to slip away from something positive.

Part of the journey towards Serenity is how we talk to ourselves. Are you encouraging yourself through one more set, one more roll, one last interval? Are you making yourself and your well being a priority? Or are you telling yourself that your diet isn’t important, your sleep isn’t important, your feelings aren’t important, or your time isn’t important.

This internal dialogue can be obvious and loud, even audible (if your a little zany and talk to yourself like me). But it can also be insidious and hide behind the scenes. Our internal dialogue reinforces the habits in our lives whether they are positive or negative.

Next time you spin the wheel and it lands on your picture, what are you going to tell yourself?

Thanks for joining me and stay sweaty my friends.

Today’s Serenity through Sweat, 5k stroller run ending with a trip to the playground

What I’m thankful for

Sometimes the things we are thankful for are hiding in the background, to be discovered and appreciated years later

With thanksgiving here I’m thinking about what I’m thankful for. I’m extremely blessed with a happy healthy family, friends that enrich my life, a job I enjoy, and hobbies I’m passionate about. There are other things in my life that I am grateful for that are less obvious that I maybe took for granted because they are in the background.

My son was playing with toolbox in my garage and I remembered where that toolbox came from. It was Christmas gift from my father when I was about eleven or twelve. As an eleven or twelve year old I wasn’t particularly enthused with a toolbox as a Christmas gift. In fact I wasn’t very enthused with it for a number of years. But when I moved off to college and had a decent tool set I was very grateful and realized the true value of that gift.

Likewise my parents gave me the tools as a young child to lead an active lifestyle, and for that I am eternally thankful. There were lots of outdoor activities, sports, hobbies, etc and none was ever pushed more than another, just the idea of being active. This mindset as a child and as I continued to grow has led me to a number of adventures that wouldn’t have been possible without a basic level of fitness. That mindset of an active lifestyle has always been in the background, and like the toolbox, it has taken me years to appreciate what a special gift it was.

Throwback Thursday to 1992 wrestling practice

Camping and trekking in Philmont New Mexico with my father and brother. Biking along the Alsace wine route after getting engaged to my wife. Exploring temples and hiking in Thailand and Cambodia on my honeymoon, training for and completing an Ironman with a good friend. These experiences have all helped shape me as a person, a father, and a husband, and are all rooted in interpersonal relationships and athletic adventure.

A hilly day on the bike with my wife between Riquewihr and Ribeauvillé enroute to Obernai

Lots of steps on the way to this gorgeous view with my wife in Angthong National Marine Park Thialand

There are so many life changing experiences out there, but a lot of them require you to walk, climb, swim or sweat to reap the rewards. This is a gift I’m grateful for, and a gift I hope to pass on to my children, even if it takes them many years to appreciate it. What are you thankful for that’s hiding in the background?

Thanks for joining me on the journey towards Serenity. Stay sweaty my friends.

Father son Thanksgiving turkey trot 5k on the way to the playground

Today’s journey towards Serenity through Sweat

Pushing with purpose

The development and progression of my two year old son fascinates me and forces me to reexamine my understanding of behavior. He has developed a keen liking to the word “show”, and a habit of pushing on the baby gate that safe guards my TV and sound system. When pushing doesn’t work he stomps his feet and pulls. Until recently this was nothing a little talking and explaining couldn’t solve. And then he got big enough and strong enough to pull the gate down.

Watching this was a validation to me that the gate should be there, if it wasn’t, he would have unfettered access to all those buttons and knobs that toddlers love to play with, and would certainly wreak some sort of havoc and destruction on my sound system. But, as is often the case, the wisdom of my better half prevailed and the gate stayed down.

The impressive thing was my son didn’t go turn every knob to eleven, but sat back (further away from the TV than normal) and watched his show. He was pushing on the baby gate because that is the natural reaction to the barrier, and once it was down there was no more need to push. He was pushing without a purpose.

In a grappling context often times we push our opponent to set up a reaction. For most people if you push them, they push back, and we are counting on that reaction to set up a technique. However, if you’ve trained BJJ or wrestling for any length of time you have probably found yourself in a glorified shoving match rather than a productive training roll. I push you, so you push back. You push me, so I push back. We do this dance, reacting to each other for five minutes or so and then change partners without any knowledge gained or technique applied. It’s easy to find ourselves in the same situation as my son, pushing without a purpose.

Next time you train and you find yourself in a grappling shoving match try to visualize your technique beyond the push. The same goes for training in any sport, hammering out reps or pounding the pavement without an endgame is pushing yourself without a purpose. Keeping the goal in mind be it short term or long term is crucial to success. The purpose could be your first takedown on a tough opponent, finishing a triangle choke, or getting on the podium at a tournament. It might be your first 5k or it might be an ironman PR. It might even be just to feel a little bit better after a workout you didn’t want to do. Whatever it is, pushing with a purpose in mind will always yield better results.

Thanks for joining me on the journey towards Serenity, stay sweaty my friends.

Today’s sweat session was a rehab run. My knee has been bothering me so just getting in a few miles to get the blood flowing and the sweat dripping.

You gotta begin to begin

Welcome, and thanks for joining me on the journey towards Serenity. I’m enjoying my post run coffee in a small cafe in downtown Greenville thinking about how to start this blog, and I’m struck by the wisdom of Pete the Cat.

Now if you aren’t familiar with Pete the Cat I can tell you he is one groovy dude (and you probably don’t have young kids). But Pete the Cat has been an essential part of convincing my almost two year old to sit on the potty long enough to actually pee. In one particular episode Pete the Cat is procrastinating instead of writing a new song for his band. Pet gets some advice from his older brother Bob and finds the inspiration to write. The episode ends with Pete the Cat and his band playing the new song “you gotta begin to begin” which is esoteric in it’s context of a children’s show but also brilliant in it’s simplicity.

Often times this idea of beginning to begin is the hardest part of working out (or writing a blog, or doing anything that we deem challenging). Once you get the running shoes on one foot follows the other. Getting in the car and driving to the gym is often times the hardest part of the workout. Newton’s first law of fitness (it’s legit you don’t need to fact check it) is that bodies in rest will stay at rest unless compelled by an outside force. But it also says that bodies in motion will stay in motion.

Sometimes you just gotta begin to begin. Strap on those running shoes, throw on your gi, get back in the saddle, or throw around some iron. I’ll bet my last dollar that if you do, you’ll feel better and we can all get a little closer to Serenity through Sweat.

If you want to follow along on my journey towards Serenity through Sweat check out my Instagram @triflyjitzfad. Get out there and find your own Serenity, and stay sweaty my friends.