Frank Herbert – Serenity Through Sweat

Fear

“I must not fear

Fear is the mind killer

Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration

I will face my fear

I will permit it to pass over me and through me

And when it has gone past, I will turn the inner eye to see its path.

Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.

Only I will remain.”

This is “The litany against fear” from Frank Herbert’s Dune. If you watched the recent movie, you hear Paul Atriedes (played by Timothy Chamelet) recite it.

It was taught to him by his mother, the Lady Jessica. A member of the Bene Gesserit, lady Jessica has total control over every muscle in her body, down to facial reactions. She can influence and control others through the use of voice (sort of a Jedi mind control). She has access to all the memories and opinions of all of her ancestors and her fellow Bene Gesserit ancestors. She has a significant portion of human history at her immediate disposal.

Despite these awesome powers, the Lady Jessica finds herself in need of this most basic Bene Gesserit teaching (the litany against fear) frequently throughout the story.

She teaches these skills as well as the litany to her son (which is forbidden knowledge for males). They live in dangerous times.

I had to go searching for the exact quote. I remembered reading it. I recalled the general message, but the actual words have a powerful calming essence. As they are supposed to.

I could feel the fear welling up inside of me. I could sense that it was enough to take over. I would be able to contain it temporarily, but not stop it.

I had to find a safe place to permit the fear to pass over me and through me. This isn’t how I expected my Wednesday afternoon to go.

El duderino had been showing signs of near sightedness. I needed glasses at his age and wear them now. He probably would as well. It is exceedingly difficult to escape the gravity of your genetics.

We asked the pediatrician at his normal check-up to evaluate his eyes. They used what looked like a cell phone camera to take a picture and said he was good to go. I remained unconvinced but temporarily placated.

I’ve started my morning the last few weeks with a cold plunge. Working my way down now to 46°

As his vision deficiency became increasingly evident, we decided to schedule an appointment with a pediatric ophthalmologist.

The standard methods of testing eye sight have been the butt of many a joke over the years. Better 1, or better 2? Is this more blurry, or less blurry?

These methods seem even more humorous when applied to si eone whi is still learning their numbers and letter, (and cant see well).

I think the book containing the color blind texts was older than I was. Its pavés frayed and tattered. It looked like something from a museum display rather than a tools at a cutting edge medical facility

Congratulations to the happy couple. My second wedding of the month on a layover

I watched proudly as 5 year old El duderino squinted and squirmed his was through the exam. Just knowing the letter and number, and his ability to articulate throughout the process was impressive, even when he was wrong.

And he was wrong a lot. Some of it was age and knowledge, but a lot of it was clearly eye sight. Again, I had glasses at his age and expected him to need them as well.

So I was shocked when at the end of the exam the doctor said glasses wouldn’t help him.

The doctor told me, in a very matter of fact tone, that El duderino had cataracts and would need surgery on both eyes.

El duderino happy as clam playing superheroes

I’m not sure I fully understood what he was saying. But after having to wrestle him like an alligator just to get in the dilation eye drops, I knew that multiple eye surgeries were going to be a hurdle.

That meant anesthesia. That meant multiple procedures. What were the complications? What were the risks? He’s only five year old, what a shitty hand to be dealt.

I don’t approach most things in my life in terms of fear, but in terms of risk. Risk can be mitigated. Risk can be assessed. Risk can be managed. Risk is never fully removed, but it can be weighed and measured against the potential rewards.

Some layover training getting ready for the last triathlon of the season

I didn’t see this situation as a risk, I only saw fear. I felt my complete and utter inability to change the situation, to protect my first born, to prevent any pain that may come.

There was no assessment, no mitigation, there was only fear. I tried not to spiral in the office. I tried to be present and ask questions of the doctor. I scheduled the follow up appointment and tried to put on a brave face for El duderino.

Thankfully, in spite of how smart he is, he either didn’t hear or didn’t understand the exchange we were having right in front of him.

I found the litany on my phone in the parking lot. I recited it a few times and took some deep breaths. We still had a 45-minute drive through rush hour traffic on I4 (the worst road in the country for accidents) in order to get home.

El duderino was none the wiser, and happy that we were out of the office and his dilated eyes were returning to normal. I called my wife and told her I would fill her in on the appointment when I got home, but that I would need a few minutes.

I set a ten minute timer for myself. Then, I sat quietly in my closet and cried.

One of the reasons I am particularly drawn to the litany, is that it gives you power over fear but doesn’t tell you to fight it or ignore it.

Feel your emotion, don’t fight it or hide from it, but rather, allow it to pass over you and through you.

Fear cannot be managed, or mitigated, or assessed. It is an overwhelming and irrational emotion. But it can pass over you and through you, and you can remain.

One more day up in the canyon. Putting in miles in salt lake city

I don’t know how El Duderino’s diagnosis and treatment will play out. I am still afraid. I am comforted by the words in, and the ideas behind the litany. I am trying to see the situation as a set of risks, rather than something to be feared. Even if my ability to manipulate those risks is minimal.

Thanks for joining me, stay safe and stay sweaty my friends.

Energy

Thanks for joining me for another edition of the SerenityThroughSweat blog. This week I’m studying up to get back to flying, and I’m thinking about energy.

Flying is in large part a management of energy. You are moving a couple hundred thousand pounds of people, metal and combustibles at very high speeds and very high altitudes, only to return them safely to the ground.

El Duderino burnout the creative energy at Crayola Experience

Acceleration from standing still to eighty percent the speed of sound requires a lot of energy. Descending, decelerating, and configuring for landing, all demand a lower energy state, so that energy must be managed.

Long days flying multiple missions means I have to manage my energy state throughout the day as well. Add in nonstandard sleep schedules in becomes another complex problem to manage.

Most of the decision making that goes into flying an airplane is in one way or another, an energy management decision. For that matter, so is parenting and fitness.

Keeping your pace in check, monitoring your fluid and fuel intake, relegating your heart rate and breathing through the various sets, rolls, and miles, are all forms of energy management.

Speedy standing in the spray at the splash pad

Keeping your kids hydrated, eating real food, on some semblance of a sleep and nap schedule, and definitely running around outside to burn off some of that precious energy is a daily struggle (often one of futility)

Managing that energy properly, in every aspect, leads to better outcomes and it is a delicate balance. Expend too much energy, and you are going to have a hard time slowing down the aircraft and landing, finishing your workout, or dealing with ornery kids. Don’t expend enough energy and you won’t get off the ground, you won’t make any gains, and your kids will be doing backflips at bedtime.

The boys at dino world and sunset over lake Erie

Everything we do requires at least some of our energy, which makes it a precious commodity and one that should be spent wisely. Frank Herbert describes energy in Dune Messiah saying,

“Between depriving a man of one hour of his life and depriving him of his life there exists only a difference of degree. You have done violence to him, consumed his energy.”

While this might be a somewhat extreme view, the idea hits home, especially as I start to get busier. Energy gives you life and it’s your life, manage it wisely. Thanks for using some of yours to spend this time with me.

Thanks for joining me, stay safe and stay sweaty my friends.

Control

Thanks for joining me for another edition of the SerenityThroughSweat blog. This week I want to revisit another Dune quote that I was thinking about while wrangling my raging toddler.

I’ve spent the majority of my life in the practice of controlling and manipulating other people’s bodies. Wrestling and jui jitsu, at their core, are martial arts of control.

The rule sets are somewhat different, which alters the strategies, reactions, and the way that engagement with an opponent plays out. But, both are incredibly similar in the objective of controlling and manipulating your opponent into a certain positions or techniques.

With jui jitsu especially, I’m reminded of another Frank Herbert Dune quote. “He who can destroy a thing, has true control over it”

In the context of the book, Herbert is talking about a natural resource, and that the ability to destroy it, but also the ability to be without it after it is destroyed, is the true measure of control.

In jui jitsu, the goal to submit your opponent often manifests as true control of a joint. Armbars, shoulder locks, and chokes, are all a form of control over another person’s body, with the ability to destroy that particular part.

Jui jitsu is self described as the “gentle art”, because despite the ability to destroy another person’s joint being the main focus, it can be practiced (if done correctly) at full intensity, without fear of injury. The same thing is hard to say for other martial arts especially ones with striking.

While Herbert’s definition of control is incredibly accurate and very fitting for grappling arts, I would submit that it is overlooking a different element of control that is equally as important

The last two weeks Speedy and El Duderino have transitioned back into daycare. They visit a small in home facility with a provider that takes wonderful care of them. Speedy has been happy as a Clam, but El Duderino, being older and having spent the past year home with us, is struggling to adjust.

This has brought on many of the inconsolable temper tantrums that “allegedly” were frequent in my younger years. I find myself now on the other side of the equation, and trying to exert over it a modicum of control.

I find it interestingly ironic that a toddler having a temper tantrum can be accurately described as both out of control, and self destructing. If the ability to control a thing is based on the ability to destroy, one if our definitions needs a reworking

Once again I find myself manipulating and controlling bodies, this time a raging toddler instead of a fellow grappler. With that change comes a different meaning of control.

The most difficult opponents to grapple are those that respond and react in unpredictable ways. That sums up the movements of a temper tantrum pretty well. Once it escalates to a level where my 40+ lb tasmanian devil could hurt himself, his little brother, or start breaking things, I step in with the attempt to control.

With just shy of 30 years of grappling experience, it isn’t hard to keep him in positions where the risk of injury or property damage is almost non existent, regardless of his erratic movement. Just like the gentle art he can be at full intensity and I’m not worried about hurting him. But unlike the gentle art, I’m not looking to destroy anything (except maybe his current mood)

This type of control has, as it’s foundational definition, compassion and preservation rather than destruction. When I’m truly in control of him I’m no longer worried about him hurting himself or somebody else. Just like a wrestler who lifts his opponent off the mat is responsible for his safe return, this level of control is focused solely on the safety of the other.

I would argue that while being able to destroy a thing is indeed control over it, being able to prevent it’s destruction requires just as much, if not more control.

I’ve always been grateful for the many gifts that grappling has given back to me over the years. This new level of control is just one more blessing, and one I look forward to sharing with my boys (once they no longer require me to practice it on them of course)

Thanks for joining me, stay safe and stay sweaty my friends.

Running, cycling, and heavy bag with a predatory audience

Reason

Thanks for joining me for the 100th edition of the SerenityThroughSweat blog. This past week has seen a dramatic uptick in tantrums from El Duderino, and the following quote from Frank Herbert’s Dune Messiah seemed especially fitting.

“Reason is the first victim of strong emotion”. If that doesn’t sum up a toddler tantrum terrifically, I don’t know what does.

It doesn’t matter what set it off, or what he was or wasn’t allowed to do/have/play with/ etc. Once he is in tantrum mode there us no reasoning with him.

A toddler temper tantrum is a pretty obvious example of reason giving way to strong emotion, but I started thinking about how often I’m guilty of the same thing, (and without the excuse of an underdeveloped frontal lobe)

The past year, with stresses from work, family, and everything COVID, how many times has my reason been the victim of my emotios? The answer is probably too many.

SerenityThroughSweat, breathing, exertion, perspiration, all help tremendously in processing, deciphering, and managing that emotion in order to return me to a reasonable state.

Tantrums lead to boo-boos, boo-boos lead to bandaid mustaches

Sometimes that’s not a viable option for me, and telling El Duderino to go take a lap doesn’t seem like the best parenting for a three year old, so my wife provided some much needed guidance.

From the Harvard Health Blog, the three steps to parenting a tantrum are to validate the emotion, ignore the dandelions, and praise good behavior.

Validating the emotion yelled your toddler you are listening to them and even if you don’t agree, you understand what the are feeling.

Dandelions, are the bad behaviors that pop up as a result of the tantrum. The blog equates giving them attention to watering them in your garden. What you water grows, or the behaviors you respond to persist.

Assuming alternate forms isn’t always result of a tantrum

Likewise, praising cooperative and good behavior will help the toddler come out of the tantrum and back into a reasonable state, or at least as reasonable as a three year old can be.

I think these same principles can serve adults with some sense of emotional awareness. Validate your own emotions. Be aware of them and feel them, but beyond awareness, only spend your time and energy on the emotions and actions that you want to grow, otherwise you’ll get stuck in the weeds.

And if all else fails, go take a lap and sweat your way to serenity.

Windy runs this week, intervals, tempo, and a 10k

Thanks for joining me, stay safe and stay sweaty my friends.

Awakening

Thanks for joining me for another edition of the SerenityThroughSweat blog. Last week, I talked about appreciating the metaphorical mountains of fatherhood based on a Frank Herbert quote from his magnum opus DUNE. This week I want to talk about another fatherhood theme of the book.

The book contains many layers each of which can be dissected individually and discussed at length in their own merit. The central storyline though follows Paul Atreides and his awakening from adolescence into the role of prophet and leader.

Early on in the book, before his own sci-fi training and psychedelic fueled prescient awakening, Paul has an awakening of a different sort, watching his father command and battle plan.

“There is probably no more terrible instant if enlightenment than the one in which you discover your father is a man-with human flesh.” This quote is attributed to Paul, though much later on in his story and after years of reflection.

As is often the case word choice and perspective are critical for the message sent as well as the message received. “Terrible instant of enlightenment”, conjures up a scene in the life of a young man that is as powerful as it is pivotal. The word terrible commands the readers attention, and dictates the connotation of the scene imagined by the reader.

Rather than imagining a tragic scene of innocence lost, I prefer to think of this instant of enlightenment like a door that has never before been opened. You don’t know what is on the other side, and you can continue on in that blissful ignorance for as long as you like. But once the door is opened, you can never revert to your state of unawareness.

I remember my own awakening and the realization that my father was just another good man trying to do the best he could with the hand he was dealt. That is a story for another time, but it makes me think about what I can do to shape and guide the journey my own sons will have to that day of their own awakening.

I say shape and guide the journey because I don’t think there is anything that can be done to control or schedule it. A young man’s awakening might be delayed, preserving boyish innocence, but like an infant who hasn’t yet mastered the concept of object permanence, they will eventually see the door and become curious. My sons will go on until that fateful day under the same magical trance that engulfs all children.

They will face their own terrible instant of enlightenment, transitioning into manhood upon this realization, walking through their own door that will close forever behind them. I can prepare myself, that I may be the best version I am capable of being. And, I can guide them, that they are prepared for the world waiting beyond that closed door.

Some windy runs, especially the 5k with a jogging stroller wind anchor/running buddy

Thanks for joining me, stay safe and stay sweaty my friends.

Mountains

Thanks for joining me for another edition of the SerenityThroughSweat blog. I have spent a lot of the last week (and the last nine months) snuggling a sleeping Speedy. I’ve tried to be productive with that time while also enjoying and appreciating the one on one time in his first year.

Productivity, with a sleeping infant strapped to your chest, and a rambunctious toddler in the other room who has a new found habit of screeching like an underfed seagull, is a relative term.

It mostly involves trying to stay away from social media or news feeds, and reading books, blogs, or otherwise useful forms of information. My most recent literary journey is Frank Herbert’s Sci-fi classic DUNE.

Published in 1965 Herbert transports you to a political and economic struggle between great houses on a desert planet called Arrakis. As the major players in the realm jockey for power, Herbert weaves in some unconventional wisdom that retains relevance decades past publishing.

“Any road followed precisely to it’s end leads precisely nowhere. Climb the mountain just a little bit to test that it’s a mountain. From the top of the mountain you cannot see the mountain”

This cold open quote at the beginning of a chapter brought to mind so much of what the last nine months has been like. A road to nowhere, inability to see the mountain we’ve been climbing, and it made me think about being a father in the time of a pandemic.

The runs this week all nasal breathing. It’s not natural yet, but it is starting to get easier.

I have been very blessed to be able to spend much of this time with my family. Watching my boys grow and learn, day in and day out is a privilege that many fathers forfeit in the name of financial responsibilities. Day in and day out growth and change is a bit like the mountain, you can appreciate other peaks and valleys from the top but not really the mountain itself. It is only from the starting point and during the ascent that you can really see the mountain.

Speedy was born at home at the beginning of all of the Covid craziness. Now, nine months later, he is crawling across the house and starting to pull himself up on low surfaces, despite his precarious lack of balance. He babbles loudly and often enough to make himself heard in an already loud family, and much to his mother’s chagrin, has become quite adept at using the few teeth he has cut.

I’ve watched El Duderino grow into his role as a big brother in a way that is as tragically humorous as it is inevitable, mimicking the relationship I had with my younger brother at that age. I’m sure my mother warned me about this, something or other about karma, I was too busy practicing wrestling moves on my brother to pay close attention.

El Duderino flips effortlessly between roles as his brother’s keeper and a toddler adjusting to sharing. He can be heard screaming “no he’ll choke on that”, snatching up small toys out of his brothers grasp, and also “stop that man!” As Speedy crawls towards him, eyes filled with a curiosity and wonder only seen in a newly mobile child.

Looking back across nine months, the mountain is tall, and the climb has been as exhilerating as it has been arduous. That perspective only applies when thinking back to the beginning. Each day examined on its own, seems more like a comedic rerun of the last, rather than an integral part of the mountain trail.

I hope I can maintain mindfulness and appreciation for the many mountains I will climb alongside my family. I hope that I can instill the importance of that perspective into my sons’ young minds. I hope that we all acknowledge the view from the top without forgetting to recognize the trials and triumphs of the climb.

Thanks for joining me, stay safe and stay sweaty my friends.