Thanks for joining me for another edition of the SerenityThroughSweat blog. This month, I want to talk about a topic that is a little heavier than normal.
In the last four months, my boys and I have been to two family memorial services.
Death is never an easy topic to talk about. Maybe western culture has made it too taboo. Regardless of your views, that conversational conundrum compounds when the kiddos are involved.
I tried to frame the entire event as a support and celebrate operation. We are here to support our family and celebrate the life of our dearly departed loved one.
That sounds great on paper but it doesn’t really mean a lot to a 5 and 8 year old. Their idea of support is when I help them clean up their toys, and it isn’t really a celebration if there isnt some sort of sweetened baked good.
In reality, just their presence is supportive. Maybe even more so at their age. Their unbridled happiness is a reminder that life goes on.
The pure radiance in a child’s undisturbed play and laughter, especially outside that kind of event, takes the edge off more than any Irish wake ever could.
And of course, those sneaky giggles and innocent smiles, warm even the hardest hearts, especially when they are trying to sneak their third or fourth cookie after being told two was plenty.
When the boys and I visited buffalo in the fall for my grandfather’s memorial, the boys didn’t really know what to expect.
They had never been to a memorial before. They had maybe met my grandfather on that side once or twice, but certianly not enough to have memories or attachments.
Most of the cousins and family they are more used to seing wouldn’t be in attendance.
Still, they made friends, played nicely, if a little rough as boys are wont to do, and their presence was comforting to everyone.
When it came time to tell them about the second memorial service, I was a little more apprehensive. This time would be in sarasota, for someone they had never met, and with no cousins.
Their first question, “but will there be cookies?”
For them that was what mattered. That was what they associated with memorial services. That was their only experience, and that was what they knew.
I think that’s an important thing to reflect on. On the surface it may seem shallow and juvenile. Which of course it is.
Speedy and El Duderino are 5 and 8 and cookies are much easier and more attractive than reflecting on our mortality.
But, death has a way of shaking things up. Clouding our judgements and emotions. Like a snow globe, the perfect setting can be easily obscured and there is nothing to do but let time take its course, and wait for things to settle.
And, when it does settle, things are still very much as the were before the globe was so violently shaken. provided of course the shaking didn’t break the whole thing.
For the boys, in a strange place, shaken with a turbulent storm of unfamiliar people and emotions, the beautiful back drop for them was cookies.
Of course Heather and I were there, with them and for them. But kids take that for granted. As all of us do until our parents are gone, but especially young kids. But the cookies, that was the special part. That was the connection there brains attached to the event.
As parents, we do the best we can for our kids. We get to make things special. We try to impart values and meaning in things to raise then into strong and loving humans. But, despite our best efforts, we don’t get to pick what sticks.
We don’t get to decide what is impactful for others, we only have that decision for ourselves. We can certainly influence it. We can lay all the dominoes out and hope they fall as planned. But the ultimate decision of what sticks, lies with each individual.
For Speedy and El Duderino, I guess that makes me think about the little things. It’s really easy to get caugt up in the turbulence of the snow globe. Understandably so.
It’s also easy, once the dust has settled, to focus on the centerpiece. The natural point your attention is drawn to inside the globe.
But as the boys showed me, sometimes, the smallest, almost overlooked detail, can bring the most serenity.
Thanks for joining me, stay safe and stay sweaty my friends.
